You Learn Something New Everyday
by Inundation
Summary: While keeping an eye on Kimblee, Miles learns a few things about him. A series of drabbles.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, or any of the characters herein. They all belong to the almighty Hiromu Arakawa.

I'm so glad to be writing FMA fic, even if it's just a drabble series! If you have any constructive criticism, I would love to hear it.

* * *

Miles had, reluctantly, learned a lot about Kimblee while he was watching him. One of his more irritating realizations was that Kimblee always had time for fun. Normally this wouldn't bother him at all, but it seemed Kimblee's favourite pastime was annoying him.

Furthermore, Kimblee's hat had "fallen off" fifteen times. Miles had picked it up fourteen times. One time Miles decided to completely ignore the hat, and continued walking. Unfortunately, that seemed to amuse Kimblee even more.

However, the fifteenth time that damned hat fell to the floor, Miles learned that Kimblee didn't like reaching into the trash can.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or any of the characters I'm about to use. That should be obvious by now.

* * *

Kimblee had a routine, so he always called the Führer at the same time everyday. At some point, he didn't even need to look at his surroundings to find his way, or at least not often. 

This was a sort of solace for Miles, because this arrangement would only be more irritating if he was always giving directions.

However, every single day, Kimblee paused at the same broom closet, stared at it for a moment, turned to Miles almost subtly, and quickly started walking again.

Miles always felt he was missing _something_, and thought it might be better that way.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: FMA and all of its characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa. I promise.

* * *

Kimblee found humour in almost everything, including people's names. 'People' meaning _Miles_. Knowing that Kimblee was laughing at him in his own head at any given moment was annoying enough, but the constant jokes drove Miles crazy. 

They weren't even good jokes either.

He'd say, "I wonder how far it is to Bazkuul? Miles, lay down and let's find out." Kimblee's subordinates would always chuckle nervously, but he never seemed to notice. He was too busy giving Miles that god damned smile of his.

Interestingly enough, Kimblee didn't make so many of those jokes after Miles started calling him Kimberly.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: FMA and all of its characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa.�

* * *

Kimblee took his grooming very seriously. He kept Miles waiting in the hallway for him for at least an hour in the morning, adjusted his hair when he thought no one was looking, and kept a comb in his pocket.

So Miles was expecting him to ask where the showers were, but he didn't. In the end, Miles had to bring them up, and when he did Kimblee immediately planned to use them. "Shall we go then, Major?"

"Oh, no, I'll be checking up on the Elrics for now."

Kimblee almost looked disappointed, and Miles refused to ask about it.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: FMA and all of its characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa.

* * *

Kimblee was not human. Miles realized that when he saw him eat. Of course, he always thought that, but he'd only been convinced when they entered the cafeteria. While he wasn't messy, Kimblee practically _inhaled_ his food, tray and all. 

Upon further consideration, it made sense. He came to Briggs soon after being released, but he certainly didn't _look_ like he came from prison.

...Though Miles couldn't really look at him, he was too creeped out. He'd probably eat _anything_. Or, at least Miles thought until he looked at his own food. Apparently, he had none... except for some fish.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: FMA and all of its characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa.

Well, it's been a long time since I've updated, sorry about that! Hope this update makes up for most of my absence.

* * *

He had no one to blame but himself. It was a bad idea to gamble as a means to escape boredom, even worse to agree on a food-based bet. Kimblee proved the he could, in fact, eat a lot more food in one minute than could possibly be imagined by any normal human being.

But maybe the worst idea was letting Kimblee choose whatever he wanted should he win, because he really was amused by the _strangest_ things.

Although, as he squinted against the light, Miles almost thought it was worth it, because Kimblee looked _ridiculous_ in those sunglasses.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and all of its characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa.

* * *

Despite the care that Kimblee gave his hair, his hair _ties_ seemed to be another issue entirely. Miles had never figured out why, but they were prone to snap at random, and Kimblee would occasionally use up all of his extras.

On one such occasion, when Miles was feeling unusually generous and saw an elastic band, he asked Kimblee, "You don't mind having your hair pulled a little bit, do you?"

Kimblee grinned, "Well, that depends."

Miles stepped back, and grabbed the elastic band. "You can... use this..."

"...Oh."

"Should we just pretend this never happened?"

"Sounds like a plan."


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: FMA and all of its characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa

* * *

On rare occasions, when it was time for Kimblee to call the Fuehrer, all the phones would be busy. Kimblee didn't seem very bothered, and would just take to scribbling on any stray sheet of paper laying around.

Then a phone would be available, Kimblee would stuff the sheet into his pocket, and the incident would be forgotten.

But once, as Kimblee finished his call, the paper dropped out of his pocket. Out of curiosity alone, Miles picked it up.

"...A duck in a bow tie?"

Kimblee turned around quickly and snatched the paper from his hands. "That's a _chick_."


	9. Chapter 9

"Hurry up, Slime."

Miles froze. "...Did you just call me _Slime_?"

"Why yes, I did. It's an anagram of your name, you know. So is Smile."

"_What_?"

For a moment there was silence, and Miles thought that maybe Kimblee had finally realized how stupid he sounded.

"Also Limes. Do you like limes?"

Or not.

"No, I don't, actually." Miles glared.

"Well you do now. In fact, your name is now 'Limes'."

"No. It's not."

Shrugging his shoulders, Kimblee almost looked genuinely confused. Almost. "If not that, what am I supposed to call you?"

"'Major' would be just fine."

"_Major Limes_."


	10. Chapter 10

When Kimblee found something funny, he brought it up whenever possible. Especially if it was demeaning to someone else. In other words, Kimblee hadn't stopped calling Miles by that _stupid name_ since he told him about those anagrams.

However, it didn't take Miles long to find a way to shut him up.

"Bee Milk."

"...Excuse me?"

"It's an anagram of your name, Bee Milk. Interesting, huh?"

"Well, at least it isn't as bad as Li--"

"It is. Actually, it's at least ten times worse. _Mr. Bee Milk_."

Kimblee could only glare, and Miles decided to count that as a victory.


	11. Chapter 11

Explaining safety guidelines to newcomers was usually left to Miles, so it was out of habit rather than concern when he'd told them to Kimblee, whose well-being didn't really matter at all.

"Don't worry Miles, if I saw a giant icicle come hurdling down towards your head... well, I wouldn't warn you, but I'd certainly try to keep you from dying, provided you hadn't already."

...Apparently the feeling was mutual. But Miles didn't bother telling him that, and instead stayed silent.

"Fine, so I wouldn't do that, either. But at least you'd die hearing the sound of my laughter!"


	12. Chapter 12

Kimblee talked _a lot_. So much in fact, that actually getting him to be quiet became a test of wit. Luckily Miles had that pretty much down, and it was only a matter of getting that annoying guy to listen to him.

So, at times when Kimblee was feeling particularly chatty, Miles would toy around with different methods. "Hey, Kimblee. Want to play a game?"

Kimblee raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What kind of game?"

"It's called verbal tag. The person who's 'it' has to shut up. And he can't tag anyone else. You're it."

"I don't--"

"_Shut the hell up_."


	13. Chapter 13

"Your head makes me hungry."

Miles spun around, just bewildered enough to not have an intelligent response. "...What?"

"Your hair is ridiculous. It makes your head look like a pineapple. When I look at it, I start thinking of pineapples, and then I get hungry." ...Dear god, Kimblee was serious, wasn't he? "Do you understand?"

"Not even remotely."

"Well. Either way, I suggest you change your silly hairstyle, before I go insane and start gnawing on your head."

"Then I have nothing to worry about! It's completely impossible for you to be _any more_ crazy than you are _right now_!"


	14. Chapter 14

Aaah, it's been so long since I updated this! Sorry for the long wait. Anyway, since I've left this to collect dust for so long, this addition is twice as long as usual! Hurrah! Is that rejoicing I hear? ...Oh, that's just crickets chirping. My bad.

* * *

The chimeras that worked for Kimblee were large and bulky, unnaturally so, which left Miles with an almost uncontrollable urge to stare at them, as if he could somehow figure them out that way.

Of course, that didn't go unnoticed.

"Interesting creatures, aren't they?" Kimblee said one time, almost out of the blue. "You're trying to understand them."

It was a bit unnerving, when Kimblee could practically read his thoughts, though of course Miles wouldn't let that show. "Who wouldn't?"

"We could make you like that too, you know. I've always wanted a pet mole."

"Why the hell would I want to... a mole? Why a mole?"

"...Isn't it obvious? Haven't you looked in a mirror? _Can_ you even look in a mirror, with those... _mole glasses_?"

Miles cocked an eyebrow. "Are you even listening to yourself?"

"Besides, we can hardly fuse you with a pineapple."

"Please don't tell me you're actually bringing that up again."

"Hm, You really can't see yourself in a mirror, can you? Oh well, you're the one who's missing out on a fine opportunity."

"...What the hell kind of pet is a mole, anyway?"


	15. Chapter 15

Briggs was a cold place, that much was obvious. So it was extremely rare for any bugs to be seen in the Fortress, but a few of them did somehow manage to survive the harsh conditions. That is, until someone crushed them.

"Your mother didn't hug you enough when you were a child, did she?" Miles said, watching Kimblee go out of his way to step on one.

Kimblee looked nonchalantly at the sole of his shoe. "No, but your mother did plenty of it to make up for that."

"Did you just--"

"_I did_."


	16. Chapter 16

"Do you...?" Kimblee started asking something, but trailed off once Miles made eye contact.

It was insanely odd to see Kimblee uncomfortable to any degree, so the upcoming question was probably going to be just as insanely odd, which made Miles just as uncomfortable.

"Do you shampoo them...?"

"...What?"

Kimblee poked at the sides of his face, in some odd mimic of Miles' sideburns.

"Oh. Do I shampoo my _sideburns_?"

"That is the question that I am asking you, yes."

They both fell completely silent, for a very long time.

Miles never answered the question.


End file.
